The Quiet Grief of a Late ADHD Diagnosis

When I was first diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, I expected clarity. What I didn’t expect was grief.

For years, I had been successful by most standards. I graduated 8th in my class. I started university at 16. I led teams, met deadlines, and pulled off big wins. But underneath it all, there was always a whisper — Why are you so scattered? Why don't you seem to fit in? Why do you constantly want to change directions? Why do you feel restless and searching all the time?

Getting diagnosed with ADHD later in life brings a strange kind of validation: it makes sense now. The piles, the scattered focus, the all-or-nothing interest patterns, the flashes of brilliance followed by burnout. But it also stirs something else — a quiet mourning for the version of life that might have been possible with earlier understanding.

That Subtle Sense of Being Different

Even before the diagnosis, many of us knew. Not always in words, but in the way we felt just slightly out of sync with others. We compensated with over-preparation, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. We masked it well, often so well that no one, not even ourselves, saw the signs for what they were.

We made it work. But it cost us.

Grieving the Gaps

It’s normal to grieve after a late ADHD diagnosis. You might find yourself mourning:

• The energy you spent trying to “fix” yourself

• The opportunities lost to self-doubt or executive dysfunction

• The shame that quietly attached itself to missed details or forgotten tasks

• The relationships strained by misunderstanding

• The dreams and initiatives you acted on with your whole heart, but couldn't get off the ground

  
  

Research supports this experience. A 2022 study found that women diagnosed in adulthood often feel anger, regret, and profound loss, especially after years of being dismissed or misdiagnosed (Young et al., 2022). Many reported knowing they were “different” but not having a framework to understand why.

Making Space for Relief and Grief

Relief and grief can coexist. You can be grateful for the diagnosis, and sad that it came so late. You can feel hopeful for what’s ahead and heartbroken for what wasn’t.

This grief isn’t weakness. It’s recognition of everything you carried without a name for it.

The Way Forward

A diagnosis doesn’t fix everything, but it offers a map. And while it’s too late to go back, it’s not too late to go forward — differently this time.

Coaching is a three-step process: Awareness, Acceptance, Conscious Choice. With awareness of ADHD and acceptance of what that means for you, you can then decide how you want to show up and the new choices you want to make now that you know yourself a little bit better.

At Trail Blossom, I work with people navigating this space. Together, we explore how to release old stories and build new systems rooted in self-trust, not self-criticism.

You’re not behind. You’re right on time to begin, this time with your full self in the story.

Reference

Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B. B., Branney, P., Beckett, M., Colley, W., & Gudjonsson, G. H. (2022). The experience of late-diagnosed ADHD in women: A qualitative exploration. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 835402. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.835402